Dunzo

I submitted my Newsweek application. Whatever. My feelings about this situation are pretty clear at this point. Below you'll find the text of my cover letter. I haven't altered it, so if there are any grammatical or syntactical errors it's just that much less likely that I'll get an interview for this job. (Stay tuned after the letter or scroll down below for a sad/funny appendix to this post.)

It is a great privilege for me to have the opportunity to apply to work as an editorial assistant at Newsweek Magazine. Newsweek has played a formative role in my life: plainly, it has taught me what news is and ignited in me a passion for the pursuit of information that I am sure will never burn out. I grew up in a household that subscribed to the magazine, and my earliest memories of major events and news stories come from the covers and pages of Newsweek. It would be the fulfillment of an almost lifelong ambition to be chosen to join the ranks of Newsweek’s dedicated staff.

I was 15 years old in January of 1998, and by that time I was reading Newsweek from cover to cover on a weekly basis. But when Monica Lewinsky’s beaming headshot appeared on the cover of the magazine, I felt the thrill of being aware of and able to analyze major historical events as they happened for the first time in my life. Newsweek was my guide through this complicated, and often treacherous, chain of events. I wished that the Clinton impeachment scandal would never end because I couldn’t imagine that anything so captivating would happen again. Of course, there have many indelible historical occasions since then: the presidential election of 2000; the terrorist attacks of 9/11; war in Afghanistan and Iraq; Hurricane Katrina; and so much in between. I have come to rely on an array of diverse news sources since 1998, but Newsweek Magazine continues to be the first place I turn to for thorough and intelligent reporting. I can only hope to be given the opportunity to make my own small contribution to this great publication, and thereby pay it back for its service to me over the years.

I am fully confident that I would make an excellent addition to the staff of Newsweek Magazine. As an English major at Yale University, I developed an appreciation for good writing, and I strive to write well at all times. As an editorial assistant, I will handle each story list, piece of correspondence and any other written task with great care and great efficiency. In addition to my writing abilities, I would bring to this position a significant amount of practical experience in journalism. I served for four years as a member of the editorial board of the weekly newspaper at Yale University. At various points during that period I was responsible for nearly every aspect of newspaper production—from conducting story meetings to copyediting, and everything in between. I have also gained experience working in a major daily newsroom, as an intern on the City Desk of the Toledo Blade, the daily newspaper in Toledo, Ohio. It was at The Blade that I gained real world experience juggling multiple assignments and deadlines without ever sacrificing quality. In sum, I have managed every aspect of the production of a small-scale publication, witnessed the publication process in action from the inside of a mid-sized publication, and am now ready to take the final step to a publication with a global readership.

I can say without hesitation that my enthusiasm for this editorial assistant position is unmatched. I hope that I have adequately conveyed to you my eagerness to join the staff of Newsweek, and convinced you of my ability to meet the demands of this position. If I am hired, I can assure you that my commitment to excellence will be evident from the moment I set foot on the newsroom floor, and will remain undiminished for as long as I am employed by the magazine.

In regards to my salary requirements, I believe this position warrants between $25,000 and $30,000 annually, but I would certainly be flexible on this point as I wouldn’t want a number alone to exclude me from further consideration.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon to schedule an interview.

It's a little heavy on the Newsweek nostalgia, I know. But I couldn't for the life of me think of a decent hook (I didn't want this to be just another cut-and-pasted form letter), and I think the letter reads well enough. So that's that.

About 10 seconds after I electronically submitted my application, I received the following response:

From: Newsweek Resume

We have received your resume regarding employment opportunities at Newsweek. We will review your information and will contact you directly if further information or interviews are needed.

Thank you for your interest in Newsweek.

The Human Resources Department

I'm always harping about how all I really want is an acknowledgement that someone has received my application. But now I find that this email has sentenced my righteousness to death. Those smug bastards have the upper hand and there's nothing I can do about it! Any attempt at a follow-up on my part would constitute a direct violation of Newsweek's code of conduct.

So I'm left to assume that this will be the last I'll hear about this job. If it's not...well, I'll eat my hat.