My very own Surreal Life
This afternoon I'm taking a break from the usual self-involved bitch fest, per the request of a very regular reader. Today's proposed topic: who would comprise my ideal Surreal Life cast?
At first I was tempted to pick my seven favorite totally awesome celebrities. I was thinking Jack Nicholson, Morgan Freeman, Bill Clinton, Jodie Foster, Edie Falco, Gwyneth Paltrow and Frances McDormand. But it occurred to me that casting stars of that magnitude wouldn't really be true to the Surreal Life format. What makes the Surreal Life compelling is that its participants are sub-celebrities--desperate enough to be on the show in the first place, and to participate in a host of degrading activities (flipping burgers, cross-dressing, stripping) just for a little basic cable face time.
I IMDb-ed the show, and it quickly became apparent to me that the show has a very specific-- verging on rigid--casting formula. These are the seven distinct "types" that round out every cast, almost without exception:
-The Washed-Up Child/Sitcom Star (e.g., Christopher Knight, Bronson Pinchot, Dave Coulier)
-The Washed-Up Rapper (e.g., M.C. Hammer, Vanilla Ice, Flavor Flav, Da Brat, Pepa)
-The Washed-Up Model (e.g., Traci Bingham, Brigitte Nielsen, Caprice, Marcus Shenkenberg)
-The Washed-Up Reality Star (e.g., Jerri Manthey, Adrianne Curry, Omarosa)
-The Washed-Up Rocker (e.g., Vince Neil, Jordan Knight, Jane Wiedlin)
-The Train Wreck (e.g., Tammy Faye Bakker, Joanie Laurer, Janice Dickinson)
-The Freak/Curiosity (e.g., Emmanuel Lewis, Verne Troyer, Ron Jeremy)
Keeping this schematic in mind, I present the Surreal Life cast of my wildest dreams:
-Bea Arthur (Sitcom Star)
Cause old ladies are funny. (I hope she's still alive.)
-Will Smith (Rapper)
I guess he's still got a viable movie career, but his rapping career has definitely ground to a halt. So he gets the nod.
-Elizabeth Hurley (Model)
She's hot. And English.
-Jon "The Blazer" Benarroch (Reality Star)
He was on a VH1 show called "Kept." He graduated from North Haven High School in 2000. When asked how many halves are in a whole, he's been known to respond, "Depends on what kind of hole you're taking about."
-Ozzie Osbourne (Rocker)
Remember when "The Osbournes" was awesome? A stint on the Surreal Life would be a fitting epilogue to an incomprehensible television career.
-Paris Hilton (Train Wreck)
If she was spoiled and stuck-up, she wouldn't be doing this.
-Rebecca Sealfon (Freak/Curiosity)
Just watch the video. (Is "freak" a euonym for this girl?)
And there you have it. Too bad there's not a "disaffected college graduate" slot to fill. I'd be in there in a hot second.
At first I was tempted to pick my seven favorite totally awesome celebrities. I was thinking Jack Nicholson, Morgan Freeman, Bill Clinton, Jodie Foster, Edie Falco, Gwyneth Paltrow and Frances McDormand. But it occurred to me that casting stars of that magnitude wouldn't really be true to the Surreal Life format. What makes the Surreal Life compelling is that its participants are sub-celebrities--desperate enough to be on the show in the first place, and to participate in a host of degrading activities (flipping burgers, cross-dressing, stripping) just for a little basic cable face time.
I IMDb-ed the show, and it quickly became apparent to me that the show has a very specific-- verging on rigid--casting formula. These are the seven distinct "types" that round out every cast, almost without exception:
-The Washed-Up Child/Sitcom Star (e.g., Christopher Knight, Bronson Pinchot, Dave Coulier)
-The Washed-Up Rapper (e.g., M.C. Hammer, Vanilla Ice, Flavor Flav, Da Brat, Pepa)
-The Washed-Up Model (e.g., Traci Bingham, Brigitte Nielsen, Caprice, Marcus Shenkenberg)
-The Washed-Up Reality Star (e.g., Jerri Manthey, Adrianne Curry, Omarosa)
-The Washed-Up Rocker (e.g., Vince Neil, Jordan Knight, Jane Wiedlin)
-The Train Wreck (e.g., Tammy Faye Bakker, Joanie Laurer, Janice Dickinson)
-The Freak/Curiosity (e.g., Emmanuel Lewis, Verne Troyer, Ron Jeremy)
Keeping this schematic in mind, I present the Surreal Life cast of my wildest dreams:
-Bea Arthur (Sitcom Star)
Cause old ladies are funny. (I hope she's still alive.)
-Will Smith (Rapper)
I guess he's still got a viable movie career, but his rapping career has definitely ground to a halt. So he gets the nod.
-Elizabeth Hurley (Model)
She's hot. And English.
-Jon "The Blazer" Benarroch (Reality Star)
He was on a VH1 show called "Kept." He graduated from North Haven High School in 2000. When asked how many halves are in a whole, he's been known to respond, "Depends on what kind of hole you're taking about."
-Ozzie Osbourne (Rocker)
Remember when "The Osbournes" was awesome? A stint on the Surreal Life would be a fitting epilogue to an incomprehensible television career.
-Paris Hilton (Train Wreck)
If she was spoiled and stuck-up, she wouldn't be doing this.
-Rebecca Sealfon (Freak/Curiosity)
Just watch the video. (Is "freak" a euonym for this girl?)
And there you have it. Too bad there's not a "disaffected college graduate" slot to fill. I'd be in there in a hot second.
posted by temporarily unemployed at 15:37
6 Comments:
-Macaulay Culkin (Child Star)
-Shug Knight (Rapper kind of)
-Martha Stewart (Model)
-Gary Fernando (from the puh-mole/weakest link even though he's not washed up)
-Scott Stapp (rocker)
-Tom Cruise (train wreck/curiosity)
-Courtney Love (train wreck/curiosity)
Who posted that? Not half bad. Macaulay gets major points in my book. PS YOU KNOW WILL SMITH IS TOO BIG.
~C
- Whitney Houston
- Pete Doherty
- Aaron Carter
- Manute Bol
- Fred Phelps (sweet.)
- Drew Barrymore
- Kathy Griffin
My guess for the first list is a certain 5 foot 11.5 inch Ph.D. candidate. I think the second is the comedic genius of our lord and savior. (Google Fred Phelps.)
Guilty as charged (on the first account). I'm amazed that you remember my height (It's sometimes 11.75 inches, by the way). I can't really top Paris Hilton (or Rebecca Sealfon, for that matter).
that would be a great surreal life cast. u should def shout it out to vh1- jblazer
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